Life's Little Moments

[mandysee_mandydo]

I want to start by stating I'm not putting this out here for pity: I'm merely getting it out here because I need to do this. I need to be honest with myself and more than just in those silent, retrospective moments that I share only with myself. I'm sharing this with all of you who care to read because I need to be honest with you, too.

Much like everyone else (I hope) I have those moments when I question everything, anything, somethings and, more importantly, my self and my self-perception. And recently I had a couple of scary revelations.

1. I am exactly who I thought I would be ten years ago or even almost 15 (yikes!) years ago when I graduated high school and that is... who the hell knows?! I can honestly say I don't know myself as well as I thought I did and it scares the shit out of me.

2. I have serious issues with self-loathing and self-doubt. I had a very startling moment while driving one night and contemplating where I was and how I felt in general and about myself. I kept grilling my inner voice trying to get to the bottom of everything and I was shocked with the answer, especially when I actually spoke it out loud: I hate my own guts.

Don't get the wrong idea here. This isn't the last confessional of someone about to off himself. I'm not in that rough shape. But seriously I just thought I was happy with everything and where I was going when I suddenly realized I'm on somewhat of a bad spiritual hitch-hike with amnesia: I don't know who I am, where I am, where I'm going and I don't like the guy I'm riding with, but I'm stuck with him to get to wherever it is I end up.

Comments

[nepenthedreams]

Sometimes I encounter that feeling of not liking myself, but it isn't all the time. I'm sure you like yourself most of the time - you weren't just lying to yourself during those times when you did.

I don't know if it's ever possible to overcome all self-doubt.

[srturtle.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the comment. I certainly don't hate myself all of the time, but it seems more often than not. I've really done a good deal of reflecting on this and what I've come to realize is that what might be the root of the problem is that I feel everyone else hates me. It's really weird, but my head has this funny way of not trusting others when they say they do. I KNOW it's probably in my head, but yet the feeling is so believable that I can't help but just assume people dislike me but to my face would rather just say they like me.

That and my head has this odd way of presuming I'm completely transparent. I'm always shocked when someone recognizes me because for some reason I just assume I'm of no consequence and no one would remember me or know who I am.

Both of these conditions do eventually go away with some people with whom I've had long-standing relationships, but mind you there are very few friends I have that I'm comfortable enough with to overcome these feelings.

I realize no one can ever fully overcome all self-doubt, but I have to wonder if perhaps I have too much of it and am too self-deprecating.

[quantumswordsmn.livejournal.com]

Have you thought of any ways that you could work on the parts of your life that you find unsatisfying? Its one of those obvious questions, but its the only way to have a better 'self evaluation' in the future.

Hmm, on a slightly different note, posting this reply has made me realize that I don't currently have any 'contemplative' user pics that are more appropriate to this sort of discussion. Have to work on that.

Let us know how this process progresses for you. If you ever just want to talk just give a ring, worry not about time or day.

[srturtle.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the suggestion. I think that's really what I need to do is just find the root of all this self-loathing to see if I can't resolve some of it.

I would love to call but having no phone makes it difficult. I'm slowly working my way through this. I think I just need some time for myself in a grounded, balanced and quiet environment, which I rarely get anymore.