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I just ate my last meal until Monday morning. Only water from now until Monday breakfast.

So much of what I am, what I have been and what I will be are tied to my life in very spiritually significant ways. More and more I'm finding those connections and cherishing them. I've protected this post for core friends only because I'm going to share a lot about myself that I usually don't discuss so openly.

I was born on September 23. For the past few years on my birthday I have fasted as a spiritual commitnment. I believe that we are all related, every living thing, and that we must all have a certain amount of respect for each other and our place on this Earth. I know that what I eat was once living and has sacrificed its life so that I may live. Life feeds on life. To celebrate another year of life I sacrifice that sustinance to give other living things a little more time and to show my respect and gratitude for that sacrifice. I have two animal spirit guides: turtle and crow. The turtle travels in water and the crow in the air. Both can walk on land where I walk. I am in between and where they meet spiritualy.

I was born on September 23. It's a date that falls on or the day after the autumn equinox. It's a change of seasons. It's a time when many of our natural relatives are going through change and preparing for a rebirth. This year my birthday is very special to me because it comes at a time of personal rebirth for me. It's a time when I shed my exterior and show more of what's inside. It will this year become an anniversary on which I time much of the change that is to come in my life in the years ahead.

I was born on September 23. It's a date that falls on the cusp of two astrological signs. I'm not much of a believer in astrology, but I find that still to be a very interesting fact. I was born between a sign that signifies modesty and servitude and another that signifies balance and harmonious relationships. I may not always succeed at either, but in general I try to be modest and seek a balance.

I was born on September 23. It is Celebrate Bisexuality Day. I am bisexual. This is something with which I've struggled for many years and only in the past couple of years come to accept.

I am a pre-op transsexual. I was born on the gender line and have struggled with it longest, for most of my life. I live every day trying to strike a balance between the male I was raised to be (the body and the fascade) and the female I was born to be (the spirit). This time in my life marks the beginning of a transition toward my true self.
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I finished True Selves tonight and at the end there is a collection of poetry from transsexual people. They really inspired me to write poetry for the first time in years. Considering my obsession with Petrarch, I decided a fitting twist to the traditional Italian sonnet form would be my feeling of unrequited self-love. It felt good to put the feelings to poetry. It's been so long...

Oh, Petrarch! How Shall I Love My Self?

How sly she is to hide in dark and mist!
    And I shall gaze through glass in hope to see
    Her smile and grace reflect along with me:
    A glimpse of someone new yet deeply missed.
Oh! Surely how I wish for just one tryst,
    One chance for us as one and all to be.
    And in that time I lose myself in she,
    Forever lost from Atlas' manly list.

But then with time and searching depths of soul
    In places long I feared not tread or look
    Shall I but meet her gaze and know her gift.
And she will fill this vast and wrethced hole,
    And bits of me shall fill each vacant nook
    So I, as she, can make this dread fog lift.

"Nature chooses who will be transgender; individuals don't choose this." - Mercedes Ruehl

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Jamie Amana Capach

September 2016

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